Hello

It's been a long time since I visited Blogger and wanted to click the New Post button, I'm not quite sure what's made me want to come back and write ramble again but I'm going to go with it :)

It's been over two years since my last post and unsurprisingly a lot's happened, some good and some not so good. Hubby and I bought our first house which we're slowly transforming and we've now got two little house rabbits. My father-in-law's journey with Alzheimer's entered it's 10th year this year, and it's probably been one of the hardest since I met my husband. A lot of tough decisions have been made, sadly with more to come, and a variety of emotions to acknowledge and process. This coupled with everyday stresses has had quite an impact on both our mental health.

Maybe it being World Mental Health Day recently, or the fact mental health is taken more seriously and talked about much more now is the reason I'm posting. 

Earlier this year I got the news that (thanks to my postcode) I was able to get the Libre on prescription which at the time I was over the moon with. By the time the boxes actually arrived in my living room I didn't feel the same. The thought of more numbers telling me what a shit job I'm doing made me physically tense. I sobbed to my husband and said that I couldn't face it. I hadn't stopped testing or using my pump, but the carb counting turned into random guesses and I didn't care if my bloods were constantly at 11 or 12. 

I just didn't care. 

My ten year diabetes anniversary came around in August in this year. I'm afraid I can't use the term 'celebrate', as much as I want to see it as a positive I just can't. It has brought me great things in my life and it has also made me feel the lowest I've ever been. This year with it being a milestone, it hit home a lot more and I decided to treat it like any other day. Turns out my family had forgotten about it as well so getting a bit upset at that snowballed into getting upset about all it. Diagnosis, the relentlessness of it, my desperation for a break from it, the fact I'll never know a day without it now. I hated it then and I still hate it now.

I think I've struggled with mine since a teenager. Low confidence and low self-esteem meant I've always been very critical of myself, both physically and mentally. Adding a very sudden diagnosis of type one into the mix, where your day revolves around numbers and keeping them between a very small goalpost meant I got very depressed. Calling myself names, blaming myself for friends not wanting to spend time with me, blaming myself for my numbers being too high or too low. It's gone on in almost a cycle for a long time. I decided to speak to a counsellor late last year to see if it could help me, and for a period it did, however a few months later I tried again and realised I needed something more.

I had an upcoming appointment with my wonderful DSN to see how I was getting on. I'd glossed over the personal stuff but had been honest with her about the Libre and that I couldn't face the data. I felt so guilty and anxious about seeing her knowing I had a fantastic opportunity with the Libre that I felt I was wasting. I knew 100% that she would be supportive and tell me to use them when I was ready - which she did in bucket loads. It was at that point that I broke down and told her everything. How I'd been feeling, how I'd stopped caring and how I couldn't get back to where I was. 

It was the most honest appointment I've ever had and although it was hard I felt so much better so talking to her about it. She listened, and she has referred me to a counselling service that specialises in diabetes. I'm still waiting to hear more, but I feel better and hopefully in time I'll get back to feeling more like myself.

If you're struggling, talk to someone. Anyone. It does help, even if it doesn't feel like it will. Things will get better <3

DBlogWeek - More Than Diabetes

Lets wrap up the week by sharing a little more about ourselves, beyond the chronic illness we or our loved ones live with. Share an interest, hobby, passion, something that is YOU. If you want to explore how it relates to or helps with diabetes you can. Or let it be a part of you that is completely separate from diabetes, because there is more to life than just diabetes! (This topic is a suggestion from the 2016 #DBlogWeek survey.)

A late post for the final day of DBlogWeek I'm afraid as real life (or adulting as I now call it) got in the way... So here goes, a few things that are me:

• I married a hot farmer almost a year ago, whom I love more than anything
• I love tea, Earl Grey if I would like to feel a little posh
• I love dogs, and I do go high pitched and squeaky if I see a puppy
• I can crochet thanks to my Mama, blankets only but am planning to try other patterns when I have a bit more time
• I love trips to the seaside and the zoo
• I am bossy and stubborn
• I love all things Disney and want to go back to Disneyland Florida for my 30th birthday
• Sometimes I snort when I laugh
• I love a good boxset or Netflix binge
• I love pyjamas
• I find baking very relaxing, but I can't decorate a cake for shit. Looks like a toddlers done it!
• I enjoy going to comedy gigs - I've been to see Bill Bailey, John Bishop, Lee Evans, Ross Noble, Dara O'Briairn to name a few
• I love having games nights with friends

Thank you to Karen for hosting DblogWeek, I'm still trying to make it through the posts!!

DBlogWeek - What Brings Me Down

We’re going to go back to a past blog week topic from 2014. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope?

This topic has been the hardest one to start so far this week. To the point I almost chose the wildcard. 

For all the sarcasm in my older posts, I've struggled with the emotional side of diabetes for a long time. Maybe even since the day I was diagnosed. In hospital at 8pm and out the following day at 5pm injecting insulin and returning to work shortly after. It was all so... jarring?

I've had burnout during my near 8 years coupled with Diabetes, but it's not lasted very long. I've come through, knuckled down on eater better and carb counting and got my insulin pump with the help of my team. 

This time it's different. I have depression.

I've ignored the signs for quite a while. Almost gone to a Dr, almost told my wonderful DSN, almost wrote a blog about it. I feel tired of everything, I've no enthusiasm, I feel lonely and like I've no direction or purpose.

Diabetes is an ever changing beast, no two days are the same and the goalposts are always changing. There are so many different variables to take into consideration for every single decision you make. And it's never ending, no break for when you have a shit day at work, or when you're ill. If you're not on your game then the numbers show it. When it gets too much for me and I breakdown, my thoughts are that of 'this is going to be with me until I die' and 'I can't do this'. I do, because, well I just do. I get through the day and start the whole shabang all over again. 

I realise I need a better way to deal with my emotions, and maybe writing this will finally give me the shove I need.

Some of these blogs have been so positive, people who live with their diabetes and accept it. None of it's perfect but it's in their life and they turn it into a good thing. I aspire to be like that, with the help of my husband and my team I'll hopefully get there. I guess I need to just take that first step.

DBlogWeek - The Blame Game

On to today’s topic, The Blame Game. Having diabetes often makes a visit to the doctor a dreaded experience, as there is invariably bad news of one kind or another. And sometimes the way the doctor talks to you can leave you feeling like you’re at fault. Or maybe you have a fantastic healthcare team, but have experienced blame and judgement from someone else in your life – friend, loved one, complete stranger. Think about a particularly bad instance, how that person talked to you, the words they used and the conversation you had. Now, the game part. Let’s turn this around. If you could turn that person into a puppet, what would you have them say that would leave you feeling empowered and good about yourself? Let’s help teach people how to support us, rather than blame us!

Sometimes we can be our own biggest critic, blame ourselves for things that our out of our control. That's why Emma has asked me, her husband, to write this one....

I try to encourage Emma to enjoy everyday, and sometimes it backfires and her bloods are high or low. Who's fault is it? No one's, it's sods law! But Emma doesn't always see it like that and will start to blame herself. She can be really hard on herself and say some harsh things about herself. So I try turn it around. It's not that she doesn't believe me, it just takes time to sink in when she's upset. But I think that's the same for all of us. 

So I've tried to write an example of what I would say to her....

"It's not your fault, you haven't spoilt our day. You didn't plan on having a high/low did you? We've had a lovely meal and a nice afternoon together, you've bolused for it. You even did a dual/square on your pump to try and prevent this, so how is it your fault? We could of stayed at home and done nothing, and your bloods could of done just the same thing or they could of done the opposite. How can you ever predict what they are going to do, no two days are ever the same.
Headache? Perhaps we'd better call it a day then. No, you haven't ruined everything. I promise!"

I suppose my message is that you need a lot of patience and understanding to see any good in criticism. But if the patience and understanding are with the critic, then it might sound more like friendly advice and it's easier to take on board. 

DBlogWeek - The Cost of a Chronic Illness

Insulin and other diabetes medications and supplies can be costly. Here in the US, insurance status and age (as in Medicare eligibility) can impact both the cost and coverage. So today, let’s discuss how cost impacts our diabetes care. Do you have advice to share? For those outside the US, is cost a concern? Are there other factors such as accessibility or education that cause barriers to your diabetes care? 

It's incredibly sad, angering and frustrating that in 2017 we are reading about a company in the US hiking up prices of insulin astronomically. Something so valuable in saving lives is being almost held to ransom to some. People are choosing to sacrifice food, rent and other commodities just to buy the insulin they, or a loved one, need.

I'm very fortunate to live in the UK and have access to the NHS. My relationship with the NHS hasn't always been smooth, but without it I wouldn't be here. I think the staff within it are wonderful (for the most part) and do a fantastic job with limited funds and resources.

Because of the NHS I have an insulin pump, a blood testing kit, test strips and insulin. I know what some of these items sell for on Medtronics site and it makes me thankful every time I re-order my supplies that this is not a worry for me. At the moment I am buying my first home, if I had to buy my diabetes supplies then I'm not entirely sure I would be financially able to.

I really hope that this particular company sees the impact they are having/could potentially have and the danger they are putting people in. I hope that they have another price change and this time it's going down and not up.

You can find more Cost of a Chronic Illness posts listed here.

DBlogWeek - Diabetes and the Unexpected

Today marks the beginning of the eighth annual Diabetes Blog Week, organised by the lovely Karen at Bitter~Sweet where us bloggers (or part-timers like moi) get the chance to post about a set topic each day for five days. It's a great opportunity to 'meet' new people from across the globe and read the different interpretations of the topic.

"Diabetes can sometimes seem to play by a rulebook that makes no sense, tossing out unexpected challenges at random.  What are your best tips for being prepared when the unexpected happens?  Or, take this topic another way and tell us about some good things diabetes has brought into your, or your loved one’s, life that you never could have expected?"

I've taken inspiration from a recent Diabetes UK campaign called #TheOne so here we go....

It's a Saturday night, I've had a lovely meal/takeaway with my hubby and have had a pretty good day with my Diabetes. I've had a drink or two with my meal and am feeling a little flirty so decide to head on upstairs to buff, polish and pamper until I'm feeling like Sasha Fierce (only a lot more self conscious and awkward....). Some nice music goes on to set the mood and hubby comes upstairs wondering what on earth I'm up to. Eyebrows go up and the penny drops! 

He is fantastic with my Diabetes and always asks if I've tested before things get too carried away, however on this occasion I say "I'm fine, don't worry about it". I romantically swig a little Lucozade to stop the frowning expression on his face, unclip my pump and we move on. 

Big mistake!

Within a few minutes my arms start tingling and my hands start shaking and all I have in my head is 'F-ck!!!!! Not now!!!'. For some bizarre reason I thought that it would pass so tried to ignore the hypo symptoms, which obviously didn't work. Hubby picks up on the fact that something was wrong, the brakes go on fairly sharpish and I relent and grab my testing kit. Surprise surprise it's a 3.3 hypo which I've now made worse.... 

For me the worst thing was that my husband apologised to me. My stupidity and stubbornness to not let Diabetes affect the most intimate part of my life had made my husband feel guilty and almost responsible for my hypo.

Needless to say, now I test beforehand every single time. Even if it means that it's a no-go. I don't want Diabetes spoiling my fun, but I understand that my choices can have an affect on my loved ones so being responsible is important.

It's not too late to signup to Diabetes Blog Week, if you want to find out more and join in or just simply want to read posts by other participants then click here

DBlog Week - Words

Our topic today is Language and Diabetes.  There is an old saying that states “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. I'm willing to bet we've all disagreed with this at some point, and especially when it comes to diabetes. Many advocate for the importance of using non-stigmatizing, inclusive and non-judgmental language when speaking about or to people with diabetes. For some, they don't care, others care passionately. Where do you stand when it comes to “person with diabetes” versus “diabetic”, or “checking” blood sugar versus “testing”, or any of the tons of other examples? Let's explore the power of words, but please remember to keep things respectful.

One thing that came into my head when reading the prompt for day 3 was "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all" (Yes I'm quoting Thumper bunny). Words are incredibly important, especially when a lot of us communicate via the world wide web and things can be misinterpreted so easily.

I must admit until this year I didn't realise that some people had preferences on how they are know 'Person With Diabetes' 'Diabetic'. Me personally I don't really mind, however I fully respect those with opinions different to myself and tend to use PWD in my blogs and tweets. Whether my feelings will change over time I don't know, I'm growing with this condition so in a years time they may be the polar opposite.

Speak to others how you wish to be spoken to. With respect, even if their opinion is different to your own.

Ready to read more perspectives on Language and Diabetes?  Click here for a list of posts.

What is Diabetes Blog Week?  Click here for an explanation and to sign up.  You can also check out the Participant’s List here.

DBlog Week - My Other Half

Our topic today is The Other Half of Diabetes. We think a lot about the physical component of diabetes, but the mental component is just as significant. How does diabetes affect you or your loved one mentally or emotionally? How have you learned to deal with the mental aspect of the condition? Any tips, positive phrases, mantras, or ideas to share on getting out of a diabetes funk? (If you are a caregiver to a person with diabetes, write about yourself or your loved one or both!)

Given that today's prompt is talking about the other half of Diabetes, I asked my actual other half John to write this. He deals with this just as much as I do after all :)

When I first started dating Emma, her diabetes was obviously a big topic in conversation. But I soon found out how high and low sugars affect her both physically and emotionally, and how it affected me. The worst part was feeling so useless when I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know the difference between a hypo and a hyper.....

I made it my main priority to learn as much as I can so I could help, but there was nothing but improvisation when dealing with the emotional side of it. When Emma broke down one evening after a bad day with her blood sugars, I had nothing! She was sitting on the kitchen floor, crying her eyes out and I could just make out the words "I don't want this anymore...." I sat next to her and hoped I could find the right words. The sadness I felt, not just because she was upset, but the fact she was right, this is a life long condition and I can't do anything to fix it or sort it.

I told her how much I love her, I wasn't going to leave her and that I will love her diabetes too, if that's what it takes. I'm on the emotional diabetes roller coaster for good!

Now with her pump, which I know nearly as much as her about, it's very much a team effort. When her bloods are good, I celebrate with her with a little "yippie" or "hooray". And when not so good, we try work it out together whats gone wrong and what we can do to avoid it in the future. There's no magic technique to how to cope with the emotional side, but if you are in it together, you share the emotions good and bad. That makes it a little easier to know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.....or sometimes what not to say! Patience always helps too, things are sometimes said when things aren't going so well in any relationship. Just let it go, straighten it out when both your heads are clear later. A fuzzy head from hypos, hypers or just tiredness never make you think clearly! 



You can find more The Other Half of Diabetes posts over here.

What is Diabetes Blog Week?  Click here for an explanation and to sign up.  You can also check out the Participant’s List here.

DBlog Week - Message Monday

Today is the first day of the seventh #DBlogWeek lovingly looked after by Karen every year to bring us nutty PWD together across the continents to share our emotions and experiences living with this condition.

"Lets kick off the week by talking about why we are here, in the diabetes blog space. What is the most important diabetes awareness message to you? Why is that message important for you, and what are you trying to accomplish by sharing it on your blog?"

I started my blog primarily because at the time there didn't seem to be that many UK bloggers that I knew of. I thought that if one person found my blog and it helped even in a teeny tiny way or put someone straight on a stupid diabetes myth, then I'd be pretty chuffed :)

Diabetes is such a big part of your life that for me personally I get worried I'm talking about it too much. When people ask how you are it's not normally a simple yes or no, so I just answer yes. It was lovely to have a blank page to write about my Diabetes, how I was feeling and how it was affecting me and the people around me. Granted I don't update it as much as I'd like to, at the moment I'm in the last stages of planning my wedding and am a few months into a very new and demanding job role. But my blog is always here for me when I need it, like a comfy pair of slippers.

I find writing therapeutic and when someone tweets or comments saying "Me too!" it just make you feel... normal? Less lonely? 

If you don't blog but you're considering then I'd recommend it. You don't have to publish them or share them with the online community, sometimes it's just good to let it all out. It's surprising sometimes how much you have to write! 

You can find more Message Monday posts listed here.

What is Diabetes Blog Week?  Click here for an explanation and to sign up.  You can also check out the Participant’s List here.

#IWishPeopleKnewThatDiabetes Day

This hashtag is reaching far and wide across Twitterverse today (woop!). Although I still think of myself as a Diabetes newbie (despite 7yrs since DX this August) I've got quite a list so here goes!

• Diabetes is not a joke, meme's of food with diabetes on it IS NOT FUNNY!
• This is 24/7/365 there isn't a break from it ever
• Me having a pump isn't because I'm a 'bad diabetic', there are reasons why I have it
• My pump doesn't cure me of diabetes, there isn't a cure. Cinnamon, sleeping naked, and green goop isn't going to cure me
• I have to carry round a lot of stuff with me, replacement pump supplies and supplies if my pump fails. The days of leaving the house with purse and keys are sooooo done with Mary Poppins bag
• There are more than two types of diabetes, the media needs to recognise this
• People with Type 2 get majorly bad press! And a lot of them shouldn't, it's not all diet related
• Some people don't have access to test strips or even insulin!
• Can make your emotions go haywire
• Can make you a stronger person
• Has introduced me to people from all walks of life who support each other every day, regardless of what they're going through themselves
• Means every meal is a calculation, a biscuit to you is carb counting for me...
• Means you have to get on with it, you saying "OMG I couldn't do it, too scared of needles" doesn't really help. You would do it, it's your life you're trying to take care of
• Doesn't mean I have to stop eating things like bread, pasta, chocolate. I just need to eat in moderation.... or try to :D

For more posts on IWTPNTD please visit tinyurl.com/zmd5hnr  or http://IWishPeopleKnewThatDiabetes.org  - keep spreading this hashtag as far as you can!!

To Pump or Not to Pump?

I've been wanting to write about my pump story for a while now, as I feel the more blogs/real experiences there are about pumps, the more people will research and find out about their benefits. Pumps aren't for everyone, however you should know that they exist and be able to see how people get on with them and what's involved.

Me personally, I was very anti-pump for a number of years. Out of fear more than anything else. The thought of something being attached to me 24/7 and the implications made me anxious, along with post of bent cannula's *shudder* on people's FB/Twitter feeds. Well let's just say it was a HELL NO in my mind. 

That may sound ignorant or silly to some, however I felt it was just too much for me to handle and at that time I think it was the right decision. Getting a pump is massive thing, a privilege. If I'd have wasted the opportunity because I wasn't in the right place mentally, I'd have kicked myself! 

Nevertheless I was still interested in reading about them, I read blogs/tweets/chats about how people were getting on in their journeys. Whether it was getting their first pump, scared about upgrading or just general day-to-day stuff, I was always fascinated in how they coped and felt about them.

At the time my pro/con list was something like this:

Pro's:
More controlled BG's
Less complications in the future

Cons:
Something attached to me 24/7
Painful if caught!!
Impact on future relationships
If things go wrong bloods wise, it happens quickly

I'm happy to say that after meeting John, I felt confident enough to start asking my consultant and Diabetes team about the pump. To my surprise they said that I may be able to get funding! I was carb counting as I should and taking care of myself but my HbA1c wasn't quite reflecting it and was stubborn. After a dietitian appointment in Oct '14 my Diabetes team said they would put me forward as a candidate and let me know. I'd gone from being scared to excited, I was ready to take the next step in my diabetes care. By the New Year I was told I would be getting a pump, I was shocked at how quickly it'd happened and so happy. 

On May 19th I was introduced to my now beloved Pumpy. Don't get me wrong, it's been a rocky road and the first few months are a bitch unless you're incredibly lucky! Quicksets weren't for me and kept kinking so I swapped to Sure-T steel cannula's (the ones that I was so scared of years before! Ironic yeah!). There were days in the beginning where I cried and cried because of failed sets, I threatened to smash my pump into a million pieces because I hated it. Sobbed hysterically at John to get the cannula out of me and get all of it off me. Even called my DSN at home the weekend after getting my pump because I couldn't get my BG's down (only once I'm pleased to say and she now calls me her BFF!)

Despite all of those things, I wouldn't go back to MDI and on the two occasions I did, it felt very odd!! My HbA1c since having the pump is the best it's been since diagnosis, and I feel a lot more in tune with my Diabetes. It'll never be perfect, but I feel a step closer to where I want to be.

My Pro/Con list looks a little more like this nowadays:

Pro's:
More controlled BG's 
Better HbA1c 
Less hypo's
Less complications in the future
More flexibility with eating
Increase/decrease my insulin with more freedom and precision

Cons:
If things go wrong bloods wise, it happens quickly

It does impact other areas of your life, like now I struggle to wear a onesie and need to customize mine! And with me sitting mine in my bra I do have a tendency to go delving when it beeps at me, forgetting that I'm in public or at work *blushes* so have to apologise after I've finished rummaging! 

As for the rumpy pumpy (see what I did there!) side of things which probably won't get mentioned by your diabetes team, it feels odd when you first get a pump but you soon get used to it and forget it's there! Long tubing kinda helps with that or if you test before things get... a bit tooty fruity you may be able to disconnect the pump for an hour making it a lot less medical =D Your partner will be supportive and want you to feel as comfortable as possible. As long as they know whereabouts your site is so there aren't any accidents then you should be fine!

If you feel you could benefit or a loved one could then do a little research, ask your team and hopefully you'll be lucky like I was. It's a very big decision to make and you need a great deal of support from your loved ones. John was brilliant, he knows everything I do and that was important to me that whoever I lived with could help in an emergency and be able to talk about it with confidence. Not just look blank and shrug.

I'm nearly at my 1-year Pump-a-versary and looking forward to many more :)

Sneaky Sunday Blog

Cripes has it really been 10 months since my last blog entry?!

I've wanted to post for a while, but it never seemed the right time. The topic never seemed important enough life got in the way as always! But here it is. My sneaky return to blogging and it feels kinda good... comfy slippers good :)

Getting a new job last September, with more travel and a whole lotta new stuff to learn meant my evenings consisted of getting home, eating and falling asleep to NCIS (no offence to Mark Harmon, would love him to be my personal bodyguard!). I'm getting back to reading Twitter and posting updates on the TPD Facebook page, however coming back to Blogger seemed harder because I'd neglected it for so long...

Anyhow, how are you all DOC? 

Me? I'm doing okay I think.. I'm 10 months in with Pumpy (not the most original name I know...) and 90% of the time I'm loving it! He feels like he's been a part of me for so much longer, pens now look very foreign to me. Using them to correct if I have a site failure or stubborn high seems like an alien concept. My fingers faff about trying to get the needles out and jabbing hurts like hell! Which sounds stupid considering I insert a steel needle into myself every 24 hours =P

My HbA1c taken earlier this month is exactly the same as the one in November (soz I forgot the number... but I know it's now below 8 in old money!) which I'm pleased with. It's come down from over 8 a couple of years ago so I know I'm heading in the right direction. My DSN at the clinic is happy with me as is my consultant. Apparently I'm now heading to the adult clinic at the hospital! (Considering I'm 27 this year I was quite shocked...). 

There have been a few D-meets of late which I've unfortunately been unable to attend (one down to family birthday, the other wedding stuff!) and watched on Twitter with envy as everyone caught up and had a blast. First was PWDC2016 in Nottingham, I was fortunate enough to attend last year (too shy to contribute). It looked like a brilliant two day meet, and I will do my best to attend next year with John. Counting carbs, testing BG's in a group of diabetics was an immense feeling. The only downside was the following day I was flat and back in real life where T1's are a rarity, and people don't 'get it'.

The second was #TAD2016, held in London and in it's first year. With several T1 guest speakers, it looked like another great even to attend and meet even more PWD. Again I watched the even unfold on Twitter and it looked incredibly fun and informative. I'm hoping due to it's popularity there will be one next year. I've said to John that next year I want to try and attend as many events as I can, and be brave and speak to people! (I'm a chicken)

If you're ever at a Diabetic event and you see @bazinga8913 then it's meeee! :)

Curtain Call

The final topic for this year's #DBlogWeek is entitled Continuing Connections:

The very first inspiration for Diabetes Blog Week was to help connect our blogging community, and that continues to be the most important reason it's held every year. So let's help foster and continue those connections as we wrap up another Dblog Week. Share a link to a new blog you've found or a new friend you've made. Or pick a random blog off of the Participant's List, check it out and share it with us. Let's take some time today to make new friends.

Unfortunately I haven't had anywhere as much time as I'd like to go through the hundreds of posts from this week, so I couldn't pick any single post out (yes I know I'll get splinters from sitting on the fence too long!).

The only blog that I will mention is Karen's. This lady deserves a lot of thanks, hugs and cookies for successfully running #DBlogWeek for 6 years now. I started my blog after reading blogs like Karen's so I could get stuff off my chest. maybe help someone in a similar position to myself or offer an alternate view of life with T1.

Thank you for another opportunity to connect with such a diverse and supportive community, can't wait for the next one!

No YOU'RE My Favourite!

The prompt for Day 6 entitles Favourites and Motivations is:

If you have been blogging for a while, what is your favorite sentence or blogpost that you have ever written?  Is it diabetes related or just life related?  If you are a new blogger and don't have a favorite yet, tell us what motivated you to start sharing your story by writing a blog?  (Thank you Laddie of Test Guess and Go for suggesting this topic.)

This is a REALLY tough one for me, I've blogged on and off since August 2010 (holy crap!!) and looking back a lot of them have been about my rough times, so I'm going to pick a more recent post. A much more positive and upbeat post, from this week actually!

Another reason being that my other half (who may be reading this shortly, if so HEY BC!) read it and he said it made him realise how much we depended on each other as a little unit :)

So here it is >Click Me<

Fooooooood!

Another late post I'm afraid, but I am trying to catch-up! I WILL finish this #DBlogWeek!!!

Taking a cue from Adam Brown's recent post, write a post documenting what you eat in a day!  Feel free to add links to recommended recipes/shops/whatever.  Make it an ideal day or a come-as-you-are day – no judgments either way.  (Thank you, Katy of  Bigfoot Child Have Diabetes for this topic.)

Unfortunately I didn't take any photo's of my lunches... So will insert lovely MasterChef looking food instead! :) I chose my food diary from yesterday so here goes:

Stayed over at my Grandma's on Saturday night as she wasn't doing too well (her house seems to exude magical Diabetes BG powers... that keeps me in range!) so I woke a little earlier than normal and my first test of the day is 7.1 (woop). I had a lovely (almost B&B) choice of breakfast and decided to go for 2 Weetabix with warm milk and rather than sugar/sweetener, Grandma suggests a little bit of honey so I had about a tsp. My ratio for breakfast is always more than 1:10 so I injected 5.5 units pre-scoffing.

Next test is at 1pm (not a very active morning) and I'm 8.0. John and I are both exhausted from a shitty week so rustle up a quick dinner consisting of Turkey Dinosaurs (don't judge until you've tried them!), a jacket potato, mixed salad and 1/2 tin of baked beans each. Again I work out carbs pre-scoff and I jab 8.0 units. I knew I was going to have a slightly more active afternoon tidying up the house.

Due to belated birthday get together for a friend we're eating a lot later than planned, so next test is at 7.52pm and I'm up to 10.4 (not enough elbow grease obviously). I braved a Chinese takeaway, but got rid of the super sweet sauces and enjoyed the noodles and hors d'oeuvres :) Once I'd got my plate sorted, I jabbed for 8 grams of carbs with a 2u correction on top.

My next test is at 10.45pm (and I'm feeling very dopey by this point...) and hovering at 4.6 which I think has to be my best post-Chinese BG ever! As happy as I am with this, I don't fancy a 2am sweaty wakeup call from the Diabetes fairy so had a swig of my supermarket Raspberry flavour sports drink and hit the hay. Pleased to report no night-time hypo :D

Changes

Today's prompt for Day 4 of #DBlogWeek (can't believe how quickly it's gone already!) is entitled Changes..

Today let's talk about changes, in one of two ways.  Either tell us what you'd most like to see change about diabetes, in any way. This can be management tools, devices, medications, people's perceptions, your own feelings – anything at all that you feel could use changing. OR reflect back on some changes you or your loved one has seen or been through since being diagnosed with diabetes. Were they expected or did they surprise you?

Unfortunately due to more unforeseen circumstances with members of mine and John's family and their health, I'm playing catch-up with my #DBlogWeek posts. All parties concerned are doing loads better, however both John and I are exhausted.com so these next few posts may be a little shorter than I'd planned...

Anywho, I'm always ranting about stuff I'd like to see improve with Diabetes tools/care etc. I know that if I'd had the condition many moons ago I'd be using very different Diabetes equipment, and I'm incredibly grateful to be getting new kit myself. However technology is moving on incredibly fast, and man will soon be exploring Mars! Here is my rant list of things...

• Accurate blood glucose meters, ruling out the 'am I actually X.XX or am I 25% more/less would help a lot!

• More access to meters/test strips/pumps/CGM's for people all over the world whatever type of Diabetes they have. People go through enough stress having the condition without being told that they can't have more strips! How the feck do you expect someone to look after themselves when they can't access the right tools??!!

• More accurate information from the media, none of these shitty "Sleeping naked cures Diabetes" headlines or "Eggs reduce Diabetes". Or idiotic chatshow hosts going on about Easter eggs giving children Diabetes. STFU and get your facts right!!!!

• TV presence - there are advertisements showing the signs of Cancer, Strokes etc in the UK. Surely one for Diabetes could also be done or children and adults?

• A lady at the #GBDOC conference this year mentioned a Diabetes specific counselling service in Nottingham, and she couldn't praise it enough. More of these in the UK would be brilliant!

• Driving laws... I get that I'm on a 3-year restricted license and that I need to report if I have any severe hypo's. I've heard of people having one bad hypo, where they've done the correct thing of getting out and going into the passenger seat to recover and STILL had their licence taken away for a certain amount of time?? Why would anyone admit to that and risk their licence (and probably their job) now?

• Better carbohydrate information on packaging. I ADORE the food packaging in the US because it gives you the per 100g, and also the carbs per portion. Some foods here don't even have carb info on them, AARGGHHH

Cleanin' Out My Closet

I'm a day late with this post, but better late than never! :)

The prompt for Post 3 of #DblogWeek is:

Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let's clear stuff out. What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out? This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you're mentally or emotionally hanging on to. Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it? (Thank you Rick of RA Diabetes for this topic suggestion.)

I must admit I'm a little bit of a meter hoarder, and I even chuck a few test strips in each pot just in case I ever need them! However for this post I need to get rid of a few of the emotional sides of my Diabetes (goodness if it were only this easy!):

At the moment, I'm excited and worried about getting my pump in case it doesn't work for me. Everyone keeps saying 'You haven't even got it yet, don't be so negative'. I CAN'T HELP IT! I'm a worrier, I cam from a long line of stomach churning, finger nail biting, sleep walking worriers!!! I have to be realistic, this super amazing piece of technology might not be my answer.

• I worry about complications, stubborn high's/lows and the affect it has on my HbA1c
• I worry about my readings, and what is going on in-between each reading, I don't want to get obsessive with my testing
• I worry about the emotional toll my diabetes could/may have on my relationship with John, I don't want to be a burden
• I worry that I'm not mentally strong enough to live with this condition until I'm old and snuff it
• I worry that my HbA1c is never going to be where it needs to be
• I worry that I'll end up living with Diabetes rather than Diabetes living with me

For me the second biggest emotion is guilt. Guilt over not being able to go out with John because I have a high/low blood sugar making me feel like shit. I made sure he knew a lot about Diabetes when we'd been dating for a while, and I was very open that I needed someone I could trust to look after my Diabetes should I be unable to for whatever reason and that if he wasn't up for it that then I'd understand and we'd go our separate way. Luckily for me he said yes and we haven't looked back!

• I feel guilty when I get a high/low blood sugar that I can't explain because I thought I'd injected what was needed
• I feel guilty when I have a high/low blood sugar whilst I'm out with friends
• I feel guilty if I forget to swap my insulin cartridge when I'm nearly out, or I almost run out of test strips
• I feel guilty for getting so emotional over my BG results, and for John having to try and get me back to normal afterwards
• I feel guilty for my parents worrying about me constantly when we're on holiday together

I'd love to say that these two things are now gone, long forgotten about but sadly they won't be. It does feel good to get it off my chest though!

Open Sesame!

Today is Day 2 of #DblogWeek, and today's topic is:

Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see. What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet. Or from your family and friends? Why is it important to keep it to yourself? (This is not an attempt to get you out of your comfort zone. There is no need to elaborate or tell personal stories related to these aspects. Simply let us know what kinds of stories we will never hear you tell, and why you won't tell them.) (Thank you Scott E of Rolling in the D for this topic.)

Having an invisible condition like Diabetes has it's pro's and it's cons (believe it or not..). I can blend in with people as much as I want to. I'm certainly not ashamed of having Diabetes and I'll gladly talk to someone about it if asked. I just find that people want to hear 'Yeah I'm okay' then they can move on and carry on talking about something else. I'm not going to talk to someone about it if they've no real interest. 

There are things that I don't publish on my blog, that I have been tempted to previously but could never face typing them. Some more serious and seeing them in black and white just makes it more... real. Others more intimate which are between myself and John only! Occasionally I reveal a little more if I'm feeling brave, but only if I'm comfortable. I can be a little old fashioned at times, I don't want to be revealing EVERYTHING as if I'm in OK! magazine or some trashy reality TV douche. 

"Some things are better left unsaid"

I Can-Can

In the UK, there was a diabetes blog theme of "I can...”  that participants found wonderfully empowering.  So lets kick things off this year by looking at the positive side of our lives with diabetes.  What have you or your loved one accomplished, despite having diabetes, that you weren't sure you could?  Or what have you done that you've been particularly proud of?  Or what good thing has diabetes brought into your life?  

"There's no such word as can't. It's won't"

This is the phrase that went through my mind as soon as I saw today's topic. A phrase that my parents used through my childhood. When I gave up learning how to ride a bike or when I made excuses for a so-called friend continually letting me down. 

When I got diagnosed I had no idea of the stigma surrounding diabetes, or how many people say 'Oh I didn't know you could eat/do that!'. Of course I can! I can do anything I put my mind to (apart from create sodding insulin!!). I let my fear stop me from driving for 4 years, fear of having a hypo at the wheel and the repercussions. All I had running through my head was "I can't". Meeting John made me break through that and turn it into into "I can". I used to sob at the thought of driving and now I'm driving my sister and I to comedy gigs!

There are days where I let Diabetes get the better of me and yes it does stop me from going here or eating that. It's just one day though, most of the time I can go and I do eat that. I turn to the wonderful DOC who never fail to remind me that I'm never on my own and I can do whatever I put my mind to :)

I'm about to enter a whole new phase of my Diabetes, by starting the pump, which will hopefully give me more confidence, independence and less sad days.

Feeling Pump-Tastic

It only seems a short while ago since I wrote about feeling brave enough to ask for more info on pumps and seeing the dietitian to see if it'd be suitable for me. And now I'm sat with a Medtronic box on my sofa eagerly waiting to be used :)

I visited my clinic with John on Thursday for my pre-pump session where I and another lady started getting a taster of pump life. We went through what we already knew (I was fortunate to have tried inserting a cannula at my first appointment) and then came the actual pump unveiling...

*dramatic dun dun duuuunnnnn*

I am a VERY lucky girl and my first pump is the Medtronic 640G complete with Contour meter that talks to the pump via wireless. No going to lie I did make some squeaking noises and the lady at the clinic thought it was lovely how excited I was... The techy side of me completely took over and it was on the start-up within a couple of minutes! We then got to have a practice cannula insertion, which didn't hurt as much as the first time and I kept it in until I came home from work. Unfortunately it had bent slightly so I've already learnt my first lesson.

If anyone asks me how I'm feeling about getting it I'm saying excited and scared. I'm worried that this incredibly expensive piece of wonder kit isn't going to work for me, and that I'm going to have to continue muddling through.. I need this to work so badly. I'm tried of the MDI drawbacks and the not-knowing. I'm ready to take control of my Diabetes, I know it'll be hard work and god knows I've pre-warned John several times that it will probably be tough living with me being tired and emotional! So I've got everything crossed that can be crossed that I'll be one of those positive statistics, and one of those people that'd claw your face off if you even tried to take the pump off me.

I'm so pleased I didn't miss this on Twitter!! It's the 6th Annual #DblogWeek organised by the lovely Karen, if you haven't taken part before then it's not too late to sign up and join the DOC for a fun-filled week of topics/opinions/stories!