Hello

It's been a long time since I visited Blogger and wanted to click the New Post button, I'm not quite sure what's made me want to come back and write ramble again but I'm going to go with it :)

It's been over two years since my last post and unsurprisingly a lot's happened, some good and some not so good. Hubby and I bought our first house which we're slowly transforming and we've now got two little house rabbits. My father-in-law's journey with Alzheimer's entered it's 10th year this year, and it's probably been one of the hardest since I met my husband. A lot of tough decisions have been made, sadly with more to come, and a variety of emotions to acknowledge and process. This coupled with everyday stresses has had quite an impact on both our mental health.

Maybe it being World Mental Health Day recently, or the fact mental health is taken more seriously and talked about much more now is the reason I'm posting. 

Earlier this year I got the news that (thanks to my postcode) I was able to get the Libre on prescription which at the time I was over the moon with. By the time the boxes actually arrived in my living room I didn't feel the same. The thought of more numbers telling me what a shit job I'm doing made me physically tense. I sobbed to my husband and said that I couldn't face it. I hadn't stopped testing or using my pump, but the carb counting turned into random guesses and I didn't care if my bloods were constantly at 11 or 12. 

I just didn't care. 

My ten year diabetes anniversary came around in August in this year. I'm afraid I can't use the term 'celebrate', as much as I want to see it as a positive I just can't. It has brought me great things in my life and it has also made me feel the lowest I've ever been. This year with it being a milestone, it hit home a lot more and I decided to treat it like any other day. Turns out my family had forgotten about it as well so getting a bit upset at that snowballed into getting upset about all it. Diagnosis, the relentlessness of it, my desperation for a break from it, the fact I'll never know a day without it now. I hated it then and I still hate it now.

I think I've struggled with mine since a teenager. Low confidence and low self-esteem meant I've always been very critical of myself, both physically and mentally. Adding a very sudden diagnosis of type one into the mix, where your day revolves around numbers and keeping them between a very small goalpost meant I got very depressed. Calling myself names, blaming myself for friends not wanting to spend time with me, blaming myself for my numbers being too high or too low. It's gone on in almost a cycle for a long time. I decided to speak to a counsellor late last year to see if it could help me, and for a period it did, however a few months later I tried again and realised I needed something more.

I had an upcoming appointment with my wonderful DSN to see how I was getting on. I'd glossed over the personal stuff but had been honest with her about the Libre and that I couldn't face the data. I felt so guilty and anxious about seeing her knowing I had a fantastic opportunity with the Libre that I felt I was wasting. I knew 100% that she would be supportive and tell me to use them when I was ready - which she did in bucket loads. It was at that point that I broke down and told her everything. How I'd been feeling, how I'd stopped caring and how I couldn't get back to where I was. 

It was the most honest appointment I've ever had and although it was hard I felt so much better so talking to her about it. She listened, and she has referred me to a counselling service that specialises in diabetes. I'm still waiting to hear more, but I feel better and hopefully in time I'll get back to feeling more like myself.

If you're struggling, talk to someone. Anyone. It does help, even if it doesn't feel like it will. Things will get better <3