Totes Emosh*

*Don't worry I'm not going to talk like I'm from TOWIE for this entire post

Over the past few days things have been a bit rough, whether I have burnout or not I don't really know. I'm finding odd readings or a low/high is affecting me a great deal emotionally, more than it ever has before. I've had shitty days but within a few hours of being back in range and having a chat, I'm feeling better.

Last week a low on Thursday night after a Chinese meal completely caught me off guard. I haven't been as low as 2.8mmol for quite a while so the following morning I was like a zombie ready to crumble into a heap of tears and tissues... And I did. I felt so out of it I came home and spent most of the afternoon churning over what I'd eaten and the injection amounts (I injected after starters then after mains to avoid going sky high) and each time I bawled my eyes out. John and my parents were at work so the feeling of loneliness only added fuel to the flames. By 6pm I couldn't take anymore and went over to my parents and ended up crying on my Dad. 

We talked for ages about how sudden everything happened with my diagnosis, and that I was in & out of hospital within 24 hours with no designated person to contact for support. My Dad was great, and admitted he doesn't know as much as he should or understand it (to which I said who does!). He suggested that I get in touch with my GP (who is a T1 himself) to see if he can point me in the direction of someone to talk to like a counsellor. 

Whether I should or not is another question, it's hard when you don't have first-hand experience. I'm trying not to think about living with this for the next 60 years, but I can't help it. I'm trying not to think I'm never ever going to get a break from this, but again I can't. At the moment these are always on my mind.

So if you're reading this and you feel the same too, how do you get past this? Or do you just go day-by-day?

P.S If you'd like someone to sit and have a cry with you, I have plenty of tissues :)

PWD Conference

Last weekend John & I ventured across to Nottingham to go to the PWD Conference held by GBDOC and TeamBG, the first conference for PWD by PWD. No medical professionals or stands. Just everyone learning from each other and enjoying themselves.

I'll be the first to admit how nervous I was on the morning, I've been to a couple of forum meets a couple of years ago which were great however I've never been to a conference! So I was very excited/nervous about going, and meeting various PWD from Twitter and the weekly chats. (John got this by all the running around and over checking I was doing...)

We arrived just as the conference got going, and it was lovely to finally see the wonderful people who had organised the event, Paul & Midge! It was great to see so many people attend, and also funny trying to figure out people from their Twitter names (I think it was suggested to have name badges next time).

The agenda was a complete blank canvas. People who wanted to learn or speak about a specific topic were asked to bring it to the floor for us to decide whether we wanted a session on it or not. Nine topics were chosen, and after a very soothing cup of Early Grey (yes tres posh I sound) we were given our rooms. Paul was very clear on the sessions, if you felt you weren't getting what you wanted out of it or you finished early, go into another room and join another group! It was a very free flowing format, but worked brilliantly :)

I went with the intention of getting more information on the pump with peoples varying experiences, unfortunately this session clashed with the 'Partners Moaning' Session which John was keen on going to. John puts up with a lot with me and my Diabetes, so we decided to go to the Partners Moaning to give him chance to talk to others in the same boat as him. 

Tea break and the first #bgbingo of the day. I cannot describe the smile I had on my face when all you could hear was the clicking of lancets!

Session one was held by James, who attended with his wife/partner Phillipa. He spoke of her 'monster' and how they cope during hypo's/rows and other day-to-day scenario's. There was only myself and another lady with Diabetes in the room, so occasionally we piped up with our two penneth, but it was an eye opening experience to hear what partners go through. A lot of common issues were when to intervene when your loved one is low/high and needs to test, getting them to accept hypo treatments and how to deal with them when in an aggressive/emotional state of mind. John said he found it very useful, and I did too. We've even gone drink shopping so when hypo I have a drink I actually don't mind!

Session number two was 'Stigma in the Media' held by Lis (who has had D for 50yrs!). This got a lot of interest from people so was held in the mahoosive room. Lots of mention of ignorant comments in the media in the past few months and how we as a community can change that. A few people agreed that although these comments are infuriating, that a response needs to be handled in a calmer, more structured way to get the point across. People sharing awareness through their loved ones/co-workers etc. was seen to be the easiest way to spread awareness, however bigger platforms need to be reached. Lis did suggest having a GBDOC TweetChat about lobbying and people volunteering to create some sort of organisation or branch of GBDOC itself to handle situations like this. Personally it'd be nice to see some adverts on the TV with how to spot the symptoms of Diabetes or how to help someone who is hypo, rather than just assuming they've been drinking for example.

Lunch time! And a further highlight of the day for me was meeting Vicki. We've been talking via Twitter for quite a while, so to finally meet her was awesome! I think John compared it to meeting a pen-pal :) The only downside was that we didn't stay for the evening social so didn't get chance to talk for long.

Session three sadly wasn't chaired by the person who suggested it so the 'Mental Health' discussion didn't quite run as smoothly as the previous two. Another very popular topic, which meant the mahoosive conference room. I think the sensitive subject coupled with the size of the room meant people (such as myself) weren't overly forthcoming with their views/issues. Lots of people highly praising the care they've received in Nottingham, one lady mentioned she goes to Diabetic counselling in the city centre which I thought was great. Others discussed how Diabetes affects parents looking after growing children and switching the balance when they start getting older. The major point raised was that there needs to be more support available, and that healthcare professionals need to be more aware so they can recommend to people.

I can't begin to say how happy I felt coming home from the conference, and how I wish these events happened more frequently. Not feeling so alone and learning from other PWD was brilliant and a great confidence booster. John & I took a lot out of it, and I think it's brought us closer together as a D-unit :)

Can't wait for PWDC '16!

Changes

Hello DOC

It's been a long time since my last post back in May and a lot has changed, some for the better and some... well not so good.

Firstly the good! I have now officially flown the nest and have been for a few months now, my better half and I are slowly adjusting to being 'responsible' adults and so far I think we're doing alright :) I have surprised several family members with my home cooking (surprised as is wow that tastes good, not holy crap I'm dying...!) and am even swapping recipes with my sister. It's like Mary Berry and Nigella* 

*wishful thinking, and I'm Nigella obviously!

I also started refresher lessons to build my confidence with driving, and I'm now driving all over the shop. Something I never thought I'd be able to say. Diabetes and driving terrified me, however my instructor was brilliant and after only a handful of lessons I was putting the peddle to the metal. I'm pleased to say that there have been no hypo's/hyper's at the wheel so far.

A disappointing conversation with my consultant at my last HbA1c appointment in July actually turned out a lot better than I thought. After a lot of time being interested in reading about people with pumps and their stories, I finally plucked up the courage to ask him about the possibility of getting one. I was shot down fairly quickly, not enough 'severe hypo's' apparently... Luckily for me, one of the ladies from the healthcare team wasn't having any of that when I told her how my appointment went. She made me an appointment with the dietitian, which I had last month and went really well. We had almost an hour talking through my food diary and I can't tell you how amazing it was for her to say 'I think you're doing really well, and if I could give you a pump I'd give you one tomorrow'. They have regular meetings to put cases forward, so at my next appointment in December/January I should hopefully know more.

As for my love/hate relationship with D, we're currently on the hate train. The last few months have been both exciting and stressful meaning that D has well and truly taken a back seat, and boy it's let me know about it now things have calmed down! The last few weeks in particular have been very rough, lots of unexplained highs/lows and lots of tears and feeling like a failure. John has been amazing throughout, supporting me and offering me the reassurance (and cuddles) that I need. He now gets all the jargon and gets frustrated with D almost as much as I do.

The dreaded lurgy going round has hit me like a truck so I'm currently trying to fend it off by resting and popping the cold & flu pills. Watching cooking on Food Network is keeping me happy and it means I can still enjoy food just without the faff of carbs!

Snap Happy - DBlog Week Day 6

Today it’s time to share some pictures for Saturday Snapshots.  Back for another year, let’s show everyone what life with diabetes looks like!  With a nod to the Diabetes 365 project, let’s grab our cameras again and share some more d-related pictures.  Post as many or as few as you’d like.  Feel free to blog your thoughts on or explanations of your pictures, or leave out the written words and let the pictures speak for themselves.

Diabetes Hacks - DBlog Week Day 5

Our Friday #DBlogWeek topic is one I find really fun - Diabetes Life Hacks.  Share the (non-medical) tips and tricks that help you in the day-to-day management of diabetes, everything from clothing modifications, serving size/carb counting tricks to the tried and true Dexcom-in-a-glass trick or the “secret” to turning on a Medtronic pump’s backlight when not on the home-screen. Please remember to give non-medical advice only! (Thank you Rachel of Probably Rachel and Kelley of Below Seven for this topic suggestion.)  

I don't think I have a lot of Diabetes Hacks.. in the grand scheme of things I'm still very much a newbie learning Hacks from the DOC so here's a combo of mine and others I've learnt. Bet you can guess which are mine! :)

• Carbs & Cals - Both the book and the app are a godsend
• Flavoured glucotabs (for me personally its the Raspberry ones) are nicer than plain
• Always keep a snack on you (or two if your other half is always peckish like mine!)
• Don't be afraid of injecting in public, people really don't notice! I've injected in the middle of London and no-one's batted an eyelid..
• If anyone does say anything rude about you injecting, tell them to shove their ignorant opinion up their jacksy as far as it will go :)
• Mysugr -  app is also a godsend, records your BG's and any notes relating to your results. Provides analysis and reports too, plus you get to name your own Diabetes Monster! (Mine is Jabba..)
• If you get a result that you don't quite trust, wash your hands and try again. I've had some cases where I've not done this and ended up hypo :(
• Tweet chats - these go on all over the world, they put you in touch with some awesome peeps!

Mantra's and More - DBlog Week Day 4

Today we are getting back to the positive with our topic Mantras and More. Yesterday we opened up about how diabetes can bring us down. Today let’s share what gets you through a hard day? Or, more specifically, a hard diabetes day? Something positive you tell yourself, or mantras, or what you fall back on to get you through. Maybe we've done that and we can help others do it too? (Thanks to Meri of Our Diabetic Life for suggesting this topic.)

Sometimes I take Diabetes was too personally, I can be a bit tough on myself if I'm stuck high or low, if I get emotional over the slightest mishap or if it's getting a bit much on top of everything else.

Luckily for me, most of the time when those thoughts creep up on me I have John by my side cuddling me and wiping away my tears, telling me that it's not my fault and we can do it a day at a time. I never really truly broke down about Diabetes until I'd been with him for a couple of months. I'd had a shitty day and was stuck low, had a couple of glucotabs and wanted to raid the kitchen (he did stop me from going overboard). I ended up sobbing my heart out on my kitchen floor repeating "I don't want it anymore, I just want it to go away".

So my mantra is to just take it a day at a time.

We all know every day is different no matter what you eat or how hard your try to keep it on an even keel, I guess it's just how we deal with it. 

John and I are #TeamAwesome and we're going to make Diabetes fit in with us, not the other way round :)

What Brings Me Down - DBlog Week Day 3

Our topic for today is What Brings Me Down. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)


Where do you start with a topic like this huh? :)

I don't think I've fully come to terms with my diagnosis (despite nearly spending 5 years with D), which is the first time I've actually admitted it other than to my other half... I got diagnosed after a whirlwind of weight loss and excessive thirst, spent less than 24 hours in hospital and with that I was injecting insulin and part of the club. 

Just thinking about how quickly it all happened can still easily get me misty eyed, and the fact I can't remember what my life was like with food before my diagnosis is a sad one. People ask how it feels having it. I tend to say , it's like applying the same level of concentration when you're driving, but 24/7/365 for the rest of your life.

What gets me down more than the highs/lows, feeling like a constant failure or a burden to my loved ones, is the fact that I will more than likely have to cope with this until I die. For me that image brings up a tiny little me stood in front of Mount Everest, or as I described it yesterday 5 years out of my jail sentence. 

I've had co-workers say to me, oh they'll find a cure in a few years I'm sure :)
... I'm sure people in the 60's/70's/80's/90's were all told the same thing!

On a lighter note.. One thing that always picks me up is John. He is always there to cuddle me and tell me it'll be okay, that we're the double act and D is just a pesky tag-along... Just wish the pesky tag-along would piss off! :)