Thursday, 18 May 2017

DBlogWeek - What Brings Me Down

We’re going to go back to a past blog week topic from 2014. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope?

This topic has been the hardest one to start so far this week. To the point I almost chose the wildcard. 

For all the sarcasm in my older posts, I've struggled with the emotional side of diabetes for a long time. Maybe even since the day I was diagnosed. In hospital at 8pm and out the following day at 5pm injecting insulin and returning to work shortly after. It was all so... jarring?

I've had burnout during my near 8 years coupled with Diabetes, but it's not lasted very long. I've come through, knuckled down on eater better and carb counting and got my insulin pump with the help of my team. 

This time it's different. I have depression.

I've ignored the signs for quite a while. Almost gone to a Dr, almost told my wonderful DSN, almost wrote a blog about it. I feel tired of everything, I've no enthusiasm, I feel lonely and like I've no direction or purpose.

Diabetes is an ever changing beast, no two days are the same and the goalposts are always changing. There are so many different variables to take into consideration for every single decision you make. And it's never ending, no break for when you have a shit day at work, or when you're ill. If you're not on your game then the numbers show it. When it gets too much for me and I breakdown, my thoughts are that of 'this is going to be with me until I die' and 'I can't do this'. I do, because, well I just do. I get through the day and start the whole shabang all over again. 

I realise I need a better way to deal with my emotions, and maybe writing this will finally give me the shove I need.

Some of these blogs have been so positive, people who live with their diabetes and accept it. None of it's perfect but it's in their life and they turn it into a good thing. I aspire to be like that, with the help of my husband and my team I'll hopefully get there. I guess I need to just take that first step.

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