Sunday, 7 August 2011

Back to Black

So I've finally decided to bite the bullet and write this post. It's been a few weeks/months coming but hopefully sharing will help... *gulp*

Since getting back off my holiday I've been incredibly D focused, trying to get back on track with my BG levels and feeling more in control of things. I've had the occasional blip along the way with both bad hypo's and one bad hyper a couple of weeks ago but levels are back to pre-holiday.

My moods are yet to return to normal though. Losing control on holiday got me pretty low and upset, it was like I'd gone back to square one after almost two years and I hated it. I was snappy one minute and crying the next in sheer frustration. None of which is great in the Sunshine State and Disneyland where everyone is happy happy happy!

It's not as frequent, but it's still very much there.
Diabetes burnout or depression? Both? I don't know.

I pretty much wake up in a 'black' mood, irritable for no reason, lethargic, introverted and generally not nice to be around. Nothing bad has happened though, it's like waking up on the wrong side of bed as some people say. Little things can set me off, crying, angry and generally feeling alone (even though I know I'm not). Thoughts of living with D for the rest of my life enter my head and I question if I'm strong enough to do it?

Since been diagnosed I got on with it, I didn't really grieve if that makes sense.. I went back to work within a couple of days and that was that. As my parents still don't know a huge amount about my condition I don't really tell them how scared I am sometimes about D and its possible complications..

I'm hoping that the PDAC course next month will help me with my emotions and how to deal with them properly. I'm a bugger for bottling things up and not telling people how I'm feeling. I'm trying though. I try and be open with Amy as much as a can, even though its still a bit alien to me and it does help. Hopefully these 'black moods' will become less and less frequent and will just be a once in a blue moon thing..


Kim said...

I want to say "You Can Do This", but that's a bit cheesy, eh?

Kudos to you for talking this out. You've got a lot of people who can help you walk this road - just let us know how we can help. :)

Mike said...

Hi Emma

Thank you for writing/publishing this post. I can relate with many of the challenges you have mentioned.

I was diagnosed quite late so may say at 20 back in 1998 and to be honest received very little support either physically or emotionally since from parents nor partners. Maybe it is just me.

I would admit to being rather envious of some who have fantastic support from those closest to them.

Only recently and since trying to play my part in the ever increasing DOC I have been subjected to some type of support.

Can I also echo Kim's comment for additional online support.

Michael Hoskins said...

Thanks for sharing this, Emma. It can be tough and even hopeless when facing that huge never-ending cloud... but what helps is just trying to tackle it one day at a time. That helps make it less scary, and know that you are doing everything you can. And there's such a strong network of people out in the DOC to help shoulder the uncertainty and fear and D-Management... that certainly helps me. Let us know what we can do, but know that we're here to help the best we can. Good vibes your way!

Cherise said...

I'm proud of you! It's going to be frustrating but hang on there-baby steps. If you need a shoulder, you can count on the DOC. I know you can do it. Stay strong.

Meagan said...

We are here for you Emma.

D can get the best of us on some days, but the bad days truly do make the good ones so much better. ((Hugs)) to you.

Anonymous said...

What is PDAC? If it is something to help people with D the shitbag of emotions that come too- where do i sign up?

Emma said...

It's a dose adjusting course in my local area, so depends where you live really.. If you need help with the shitbag of emotions the DOC is great, plus I'm not brilliant with my own but am a good listener :)

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