Supermassive Black Hole

I've been MIA from the blogging world for a few weeks, partly because I had nothing to say and partly because I had so much to say but didn't know how to say it..

The past few months have been bad, with a relationship/friendship ending permanently, relatives being admitted to hospital and going into care homes it's been tough. Surprisingly my Diabetes is doing okay. My sugars, whilst not always in range, are lower and my average has come down to under 9.0mmol. My eye screening results came back clear after signs of background retinopathy last year. So on that front I'm plodding on nicely.

I wish everything else was falling into place as nicely.

My job at the moment isn't a barrel of laughs.. it was once the job that saved me from the hell of my previous job. My old boss was a power hungry control freak who reduced many grown women to tears with her bullying tactics. So my new boss was a godsend! However for the past 9/10 months my boss has been having an extra-marital affair with my colleague. A colleague considerably younger than my boss, and well aware of the spouse and children.

Needless to say none of that matters, particularly at work, where talking about their relationship and everything else is seemingly acceptable. Sounds of kissing, arguments, not talking and god knows what awaits me nearly every day, along with comments and questions from the rest of the company. Working along side this isn't really that pleasant..

My social life has grounded to a complete halt. Losing touch with people who weren't really great friends in the first place has pretty much left me on my own. One friend remains, who I love so much. That friend has their own life away from here though, so I'm pretty lonely. I know it's my fault for not trying harder to stay in touch, it's just hard to do it when people don't bother or keep you as second or third choice for everthing. My parents are always here for me, and have been very supportive over the past few months but it's not the same as having a friend..

I'm trying hard to fight the signs of depression creeping up on me by thinking positive. In a few years my life might be completely different and be the best it's ever been, but right now that feels like a million miles away. The stuff I've already rambled on about doesn't really help. I don't really know what to do, or how to fix it. I just feel like I'm existing, not really living.

So I'm back to trusty blogger to pour it all out into a little white box, then be brave and hit post.

Wordless Wednesday - Results

Giggle Monster

This week has been a pretty awesome week (excluding my earlier monday wobble):

Good weather
Support from friends & family
Lots of laughing (and crying with laughter)
Two Bank Holiday weekends in a row
Reasonably good levels

My retinal screening appointment wasn't as bad as I thought, and was over fairly quickly! For anyone who hasn't had this done, you do a brief eye test and then the eye drops are given to dilate your pupils ready for camera time! Pop yourself in the little head-rest machine thingy and follow the light whilst the camera takes the pictures. Typical me though, I forgot the sunglasses!

The procedure itself was over in under half an hour, which did surprise me and my mum however now comes the anxious wait for my results. The chap who did it said within 4 weeks... in 4 weeks I'll be on holiday so I really really hope it doesn't take that long. Although saying that, if its bad news, I'd rather have a great holiday then deal with the crap then xp

My hayfever is starting to kick in now too (yes I'm not happy enough with just diabetes, gotta have hayfever too..) which I think is affecting my morning levels. My 22u of lantus - leg site - is still doing its thing but I'm waking to between 9-10mmol which isn't the worst I've woken up to, but still not going in the right direction.. =/

There are a few people in the DOC suffering at the moment with depression amongst other things, and when this song came on it kinda made me think of them. Certain lyrics always make me think of me and the D, and makes me wanna kick its butt a bit more.

So DOC this one's for you xx

Hey hey girl, are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword
'Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though you're not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt, yeah

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler truck
And I won't give a
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down
Read more: PINK - 18 WHEELER LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/18-wheeler-lyrics-pink.html#ixzz1KBzeAYEV
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Scared

So I might have skirted over the truth a little in my last blog...

I'm getting really scared/anxious about my first retinopathy screening tomorrow afternoon which is making me feel queasy, tense and giving me a headache. It's not the actual process that's scaring the shit out of me right now, but the results. The thought of being on tenterhooks for a couple of weeks fills me with dread, plus what if they don't arrive before I go on holiday?

You hear so many stories about retinopathy problems and blindness that it's enough to scare even the most unshakable people. I know I have youth on my side which I think is a good thing but I have no idea how long I've had D before my 'official' diagnosis so could I have developed some complications?

My eye-sight is bad enough as it is without retinopathy. Both eyes are around the -7 mark and I've worn glasses since the age of 10. Don't think I'd deal with eye problems on top of D very well. Hoping that better control is helping and that I'm worrying over nothing.

I don't want to worry my folks with my fears, but right now I'd just like someone to give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be alright.

Spring Fling?

hey folks!

so it's nearly the end of february ( which is such a dull month - apart from tomorrow which is my dads birthday =D ) and my levels are still behaving themselves..

<insert shocked face here>

it's my first spring without a honeymoon period so i'm wondering if this is just a seasonal dip or am i finally getting a bit control over my levels?? maybe the diabetes fairy is just teasing me for a few weeks xp

my meters 14 day average is currently showing 8.8 - which to most is high, but a few months ago it was 10.x most of the time. so i'm really pleased right now!

did have a slight panic on friday about my eyes. had some black spots floating around in my vision for a couple of hours which freaked me out. not had any over the weekend so i'm hoping it was just a one-off. apparently the mobile eye screening unit will be in town soon so i think i can hang on till then. should it happen again i'll definately be pestering my DSN!

i have pretty bad eyesight already (short sighted) so the thought of any problems with my eyes does send me a bit panicky.. if i don't hear anything in the next couple of week i think i'll visit my optician, which will hopefully ease things a little.

nothing is ever simple with diabetes!

enjoy the rest of your weekend :)

xx

One D Present For Me...

i finally got my contour usb meter and my frio wallets for my holiday!!!

also ordered my free bayer goodies that you get when you register your meter online, which i got even more excited about.

DORK!

haven't actually used my new meter yet as it's still charging... not that i'm getting impatient or anything to use it and start using the software

*whistles and twiddles thumbs*

hoping to spot some patterns before my DSN catch up this month, plus i can tell her how good i was over christmas! :)

need to talk to her about arranging my first retinal scan. i'm not comfortable with it now being 18 months since diagnosis and not even had the appointment booked! the mobile scanner came to our town the month before i was diagnosed (yes sods law i know). it went off the road for around 6 months but apart from that who knows! a relative diagnosed with T2 last year has already been screened so i'm a little confused!

xx

p.s any suggestions for my meters new name?? (can't name my pens xp)