AWOL

2013 was going to be a fresh start for me completely, both with my personal life and also with my Diabetes. Everything was getting me down, I'd have a couple of okay weeks then the feelings of failure being unable to cope with D would get to me.

I'd love to say these feelings have gone completely, however I don't think they ever will. The thing that I find hardest about Diabetes is remembering that I have a lifetime to deal with it. Trying to get a HbA1c of 7 is a goal for down the road, any decrease is an improvement. Diabetes is a bloody long drawn out marathon, not a sprint.

Don't get me wrong this year hasn't been all doom and gloom at all, in fact the last few month's have been pretty damn good :)

I now have a new special someone in my life who knew nothing about Diabetes whatsoever when he met me... he's incredibly patient and understanding, trying to understand the ins and outs of having a Diabetic girlfriend. Watching him frown and trying to understand the quirks of D has been very entertaining! :) My first hypo in front of him wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs, and I kept having to tell him to stop looking so worried as it was starting to worry me, even though I knew I'd be fine in a few minutes xD

This year has also seen a change in my D gadgets, since my diagnosis 4 years ago (holy crap that's gone fast...) I've always had my NovoRapid and Lantus flexi pens. At my last hospital appointment one of the women I met suggested the NovoEcho pen which is a half-unit pen. I saw my GP a couple of months ago and was lucky enough to have it prescribed straight away, along with doubling my test strip allowance!!!

I've found that my hypo's have drastically reduced in the past few months and I think the Echo has helped a lot with that. I'm only having 3/4 hypo's a month at the most and they are only in the high 3's. On the downside, my meter average doesn't look brilliant at the moment as I'm still trying to get my post-meal readings down.. but you can't have a perfect balance all the time!

Last week I was explaining injections and pumps to one of my work colleagues, and afterwards I realised that the thought of a pump hadn't freaked me out as it once used to... Being attached to it constantly, tubing getting caught and pictures of messy sites were reasons that I wanted to stay on MDI but now I'm becoming more open to the idea. I don't want to be SWAGing with my pens for the rest of my days, I'd like to have better control. I have my annual Diabetes MOT later this month with my DSN so I'm going to bite the bullet and get some more information about possibly joining #teampump (OMG SCARY BUT IN A GOOD WAY!)

Finally, after at least a couple of years saying I wanted to do something to raise money for Diabetes UK I'm finally doing it!

Tomorrow! :O

I realise it's not Mount Kilimanjaro or running 10 marathons... however a 5k fun run is good enough for me to start with! My sister and I are both taking part and have almost raised £300 for Diabetes UK which is nearly £100 more than our original target :) If you would like to donate please go to www.justgiving.com/teapot8909 - every donation is hugely appreciated.

Lots of blue clothes and accessories for us both, hopefully pictures and a decent time to report back on tomorrow!

Results

Wednesay was HbA1c results day for me, and I have to admit I was bricking it.

The thought of it going up again got me panicked. I had my bloods taken before my holiday as I'd had a pretty good few weeks beforehand and didn't want my holiday to be taken into account. A couple of the guys at work even noticed I was a little on edge.. so I must have been bad!

Shortly after arriving my dad turned to me and said "isn't that one of your muckers from work?". I looked around and couldn't see anyone. Turns out one of the sales people I work with also had his appointment that afternoon. He's a man in his early 50s, and likes to think he's my work dad so took great delight in seeing me and sitting right with us. To top the moment off the nurse came along with a piddle pot for me.. All I heard was "Errrrrrr Ems!!"

Arrghh! *dies of embarrassment*

So move into the other waiting room and two ladies who I've never met before come out and call my name. I jumped up feeling a little like I'd been called into the Headteachers office.. Turns out they were both new and just wanted to check how I was doing, and if I had any questions or concerns. Really I could have done with the chat AFTER getting my results xP

After talking through BG results, carb counting, annual checks and holiday stuff, one of the ladies suggested a NovoRapid Echo pen (a half-unit pen if you've not heard of them). She said it might help me with more precise carb-counting as a full unit can often be too much or too little. So next week I'm going to make an appointment with my GP to see if I can get them on my prescription, along with some more test strips (getting fed up of my chemist constantly not having them ready when I need them, 100 strips just doesn't last long enough).

Finally the consultant calls my name, and after the usual questions (What units of Lantus are you taking/are you still carb counting/do you have any concerns or problems) I get told that my HbA1c has dropped from 8.4% to 8.2%. I know that any drop is a great result, but I can't shift the feeling of disappointment that it hasn't gone down a little more. 8.2% is where I was this time last year.

I admit this to my consultant, explaining that I'd had a great few weeks before my bloods so was expecting a little more of a drop (only like another 0.1% or so - nothing major). I asked if my bloods could be spiking too much between BG tests resulting in a higher average. A blank face looked back at me, and all I got was "well if your meter results are coming back good then you should be fine".

So I came out feeling a little.. deflated. I find it a lot easier talking to my local GP/Diabetic Nurse as they're a lot more approachable, so am saving my questions for them. I know consultants have to see so many patients in an afternoon, but making me feel like I'm on a conveyorbelt isn't going to encourage me to speak more frankly about my Diabetes.

DBlogWeek Day 7 - Spread The Love

Todays Prompt: As another Diabetes Blog Week draws to a close, let’s reflect on some of the great bloggers we’ve found this week. Give some love to three blog posts you’ve read and loved during Diabetes Blog Week, and tell us why they’re worth reading. Or share three blogs you’ve found this week that are new to you. (Thanks to Pearlsa of A Girl's Reflections for inspiring this topic.)

It's the end of D-Blog week already! Thank you again to Karen at Bitter Sweet for giving the DOC all over the world to connect and share their amazing experiences and stories.

Until clicking on each link list I didn't realise how many great posts there were, and how impossible it would be to read them all before today! (I will be trying over the next few days and weeks to read all of them)

So I've picked out three blogs, both old and new to me, that always give me great posts to read :)



I've been a fan of Dave's blog for a while now, following his #teampump journey and now his great DBlog posts (the poem in particular was great =D). He has a brilliant sense of humour and is always incredibly supportive to other members of the DOC over the Twitterverse.

 



I found Daisy's blog a few months ago via Twitter/Facebook and have been an avid reader ever since. I love reading about her 16+ year journey with Diabetes and her posts are both incredibly funny and emotive. People like Daisy are the reason I love the DOC so much, I only wish their was a D-blogger meet so I could meet her properly!

 

Vicki's blog is a new addition to my reading list, I discovered her blog just a few days before DBlog Week started! I've enjoyed all of her posts this week and if you'd like to find out about travelling abroad for longer periods of time with Diabetes then you should definitely check her blog out :)

 

DBlogWeek Day 6 - Diabetes Art

Todays Prompt: This year Diabetes Art moves up from the Wildcard choices as we all channel our creativity with art in the broadest sense. Do some “traditional” art like drawing, painting, collage or any other craft you enjoy. Or look to the literary arts and perhaps write a d-poem or share and discuss a favorite quote. Groove to some musical arts by sharing a song that inspires you diabetes-wise, reworking some song lyrics with a d-twist, or even writing your own song. Don’t forget dramatic arts too, perhaps you can create a diabetes reality show or play. These are just a starting point today – there are no right or wrong ways to get creative!

Here are a few pics from my D-journey so far, including some of my very homemade art! :)

DBlogWeek Day 5 - Wildcard!

Today I decided to choose one of the Wildcard topics, simply because I looked at the title and chose almost immediately!

Wildcard prompt: What is the ideal diabetes service animal? Think beyond the obvious and be creative in explaining why your choice is a good one. For example, maybe a seal would make a good service animal - it flaps its flippers and barks every time you get a good blood sugar reading! (Thanks to Tristan of Based on a True Story for this topic suggestion.)

Panther Winnie doesn't like any sort of cat
T-Rex Arms too short
Raven Might poop on me
Monkey Cute but mischievous!
Dragon Too much fire
DIREWOLF

If you don't watch Game of Thrones then a Direwolf is basically a very large and intelligent species of wolf. In the series they are incredibly protective over their owners (killing anyone who tries to harm them) and are always by their side.

They would be an ideal Diabetes Service Animal because..

• The Food Police wouldn't dare approach you!
• They would be able to smell out highs/lows as other DSA's do
• They would be able to carry you if you started feeling a little fuzzy
• They could bark if you forgot to inject straight after you'd eaten
• THEY ARE AWESOME AND I WANT ONE :)

DBlogWeek Day 4 - Accomplishments

Todays Prompt: We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you've made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small - think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.). (Thanks to Hillary of Rainie and Me for this topic suggestion.)

I've sat for a little while trying to think of an accomplishment that's stuck out during my time with D. Times where I've had no hitter days, or I had an amazing night out with perfect BGs before and after, or times where I didn't freaked out when I normally would have.

Then I thought that everyday is one more accomplishment living with Diabetes. Everyday contains its little battles and successes.

Constantly calculating my carbs
Trying to figure out if my BG is heading up or down
What am I having for dinner/lunch?
Unexpected exercise.. do I eat or not?
Will one glucotab do the trick or send me too high?
Unexpected high BG.. am I ill? Do I need to up my Lantus? Do I need to wash my hands and try again? Is my insulin still working or do I need a new pen?
Delay in eating.. will I hypo?
Cold weather.. probably more hypo's
Hot weather.. most people hypo more often, my BGs shoot up
Why the same meals and same insulin amounts give you completely different results

Dealing with all of that on top of everyday stuff is a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ARSE, but we all go on day after day with a good sense of humour and a smile on our faces :)

Go go Diabetiiicssss!
*Power Rangers style*

DBlogWeek Day 3 - Memories

Todays Prompt: Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. (Thanks to Jasmine of Silver-Lined for this topic suggestion.)

When I read the prompt for today's post, only one date stuck in my mind and that's August 25th 2009 when I got diagnosed.

Leading up to my DX I lost around 2/3 stone from the beginning of June to that date. I didn't really notice as I was trying to slim down pre-holiday and was going a little Wii Fit crazy.. so I was pleased to be shifting the excess pounds. Even when colleagues at my old job pointed out how thin I'd gotten and how my trousers were hanging off me (to the point where I had them almost falling down when I crossed a road in a hurry) I just smiled like a total numptey and enjoyed the compliments!

My holiday was a bit of a blur, I can only remember drinking a hell of a lot of Apple & Blackcurrant squash (I went through 8 litre bottles of the stuff you add to water..) and feeling really rubbish on the last day. Nothing I drank quenched my thirst. That last day at the Magic Kingdom was awful, I felt sick, headachey and fuzzy headed. I just wanted to lie down. I can also remember being at the airport, getting to the gate entrance and nearly falling asleep because I felt so ill. My head just felt like it contained spaghetti junction.

This trip rather than the previous one I actually got a bit choked up seeing that spot at the airport. Thinking of how much my life changed a few weeks after being there. How I had no clue how poorly I was and getting closer to DKA. Getting a little misty eyed just thinking about it even now so moving on..

I continued to drink excessively once I got back to the UK and still nothing quenched my thirst. This is when my mum realised that something else was going on. A trip to the nurse soon followed and I was admitted to hospital with a BG of over 20 and ++++ keytones.

Calling my manager to tell her I was going to hospital was a little awkward as she was enjoying herself at a beer festival and I was sobbing my heart out.. my main concern was taking my own pjs so I wouldn't have to wear a hospital gown that had my arse on show.

A lot has changed in the past 3 and a bit years, I'm hoping that the next few are happier :)


 

DBlogWeek Day 2 - We, The Undersigned

Todays prompt: Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let’s pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) - get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change? (Thanks to Briley of inDpendence for this topic suggestion.)
We, the undersigned People with Diabetes (PWDs) and caregivers and loved ones of PWDs (Type 3s) do herby petition to increase the availability of pumps and CGMs in the UK:

Today the first ever insulin pump audit for the UK was published and surprise surprise we are 'lagging behind' the rest of Europe. Only 7% of Type One Diabetics currently use insulin pumps in our country.

Seven.

I realise that both pumps and CGMs are incredibly expensive both initially and also to maintain, but don't we deserve to have access to them like the rest of the world? Right now the thought of a pump is still a little scary to me, however if MDI doesn't doing the trick for me in the future I'd like to be able to go to my Dr without being dismissed. I read many blogs of people who use pumps and CGMs, who admittedly have their struggles but find in the long run their control is far better, leading to better BG/HbA1c results and less chance of complications.

Granted that any improvement on pump use figures is a good one, but when technology is rapidly evolving it just feels like we could get left further and further behind.

If a patient meets the necessary NICE criteria then they should be given every available option, whether it costs a penny or a thousand pounds.

DBlogWeek Day 1 - Share and Share Alike

The prompt for Day One:
Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see? 



I count myself very lucky with the healthcare professionals I have looking after me throughout the year. The GP at my surgery is also a Type One, so he's always very encouraging even if my HbA1c isn't ideal at the moment. He starts off by asking about my BG results but always asks how I am and how I'm coping with D. He 'gets it' and its a lovely feeling when you can just share a look instead of trying to explain things.

Having a T1 GP has spoilt me a little when it comes to my hospital consultations. Don't get me wrong, my consultant is lovely and approachable, I'd just love him to know how much time D actually takes in a day. The constant not knowing if your meter is ACTUALLY accurate, how it feels waking up in the middle of the night with a shit scary low. How gutting it is when you do everything you're supposed to do but the BG result still comes out high or low and you've got a million reasons as to why it's happened.

The things I wouldn't want him to see would have to be how much times I swear and sling my meter on the floor if I'm frustrated with a result.. Or when I say sod it and scoff /drink something I shouldn't even though I know I'll pay for it later.

Actually I think I would like him to see all of that :) I'm only human. You've gotta vent and spoil yourself sometimes!

We could say Fuck Diabetes together =D

Have A Nice Day

I've been a pretty rubbish blogger this year. Sitting down to write a post but letting things distract me or just putting it off until tomorrow, then the next day yaddayadda <insert more excuses> I'm not the most open and trusting person on the planet, so sitting down to write how I'm feeling isn't the most appealing thing. However I've gotten a little better thanks to the people I've 'met' online with their constant encouragement, whatever the situation.

Seeing that the Fourth Annual Diabetic Blog Week had come round again already to me was fate, and time that I got my butt back on here!

DBW was created by the amazing Karen at Bitter Sweet encouraging bloggers to share their own unique stories and insights on particular D (and non-D) related subjects. It's a great opportunity to connect with other PWD and see how they deal with their D. All of the sign-up information and post topics are available over at Bitter Sweet :)

As for little old me (24 next month.. Oh my freaking gawwdd!) I'm doing okay at the mo. I got my eye screening results back last month and have reversed the background retinopathy found last year =D

*do a little dance*
*make a little...
BACK TO TOPIC!

The holiday to Florida that I've been worrying and panicking about for months has sadly been and gone :( However it was a very different trip from the last one. I got advice from the Diabetic Nurse at my local surgery after finding various different methods of dealing with time zones etc online. She took note of everything I currently did and suggested sticking with injecting at UK time (around 4/5pm USA time). After a few bumpy days of BG results (and one case where I remembered my Lantus 3 hours after it was due.. Doh!) things started to settle. I actually had a few no hitter days!

I went with a completely different attitude, I wasn't going to work my holiday around my D. D was going to have to fit in with me. Last time I was constantly testing and correcting, this time I tested when I needed to. I was a lot more relaxed, a lot more in control and had a lovely time with my family. My parents commented a couple of times of the massive change since our last vacation, which was lovely to hear :)

The bloods for my latest HbA1c were taken before I left for my hols (just in case it was a disaster) so I'm hoping for a reduction since last time, my average when I left was 7.9 so fingers, toes and everything crossed. My BGs have taken a few days to settle after getting home, so I'm now trying to get back into the swing of things and get my average back down. 

I've also found an event I'm going to take part in later this year to raise money for Diabetes UK (nothing hardcore like a marathon I'm afraid!!). A local fun run is being held in October, so expect a post once I've signed up :)

It's good to be back.

Emma x

Supermassive Black Hole

I've been MIA from the blogging world for a few weeks, partly because I had nothing to say and partly because I had so much to say but didn't know how to say it..

The past few months have been bad, with a relationship/friendship ending permanently, relatives being admitted to hospital and going into care homes it's been tough. Surprisingly my Diabetes is doing okay. My sugars, whilst not always in range, are lower and my average has come down to under 9.0mmol. My eye screening results came back clear after signs of background retinopathy last year. So on that front I'm plodding on nicely.

I wish everything else was falling into place as nicely.

My job at the moment isn't a barrel of laughs.. it was once the job that saved me from the hell of my previous job. My old boss was a power hungry control freak who reduced many grown women to tears with her bullying tactics. So my new boss was a godsend! However for the past 9/10 months my boss has been having an extra-marital affair with my colleague. A colleague considerably younger than my boss, and well aware of the spouse and children.

Needless to say none of that matters, particularly at work, where talking about their relationship and everything else is seemingly acceptable. Sounds of kissing, arguments, not talking and god knows what awaits me nearly every day, along with comments and questions from the rest of the company. Working along side this isn't really that pleasant..

My social life has grounded to a complete halt. Losing touch with people who weren't really great friends in the first place has pretty much left me on my own. One friend remains, who I love so much. That friend has their own life away from here though, so I'm pretty lonely. I know it's my fault for not trying harder to stay in touch, it's just hard to do it when people don't bother or keep you as second or third choice for everthing. My parents are always here for me, and have been very supportive over the past few months but it's not the same as having a friend..

I'm trying hard to fight the signs of depression creeping up on me by thinking positive. In a few years my life might be completely different and be the best it's ever been, but right now that feels like a million miles away. The stuff I've already rambled on about doesn't really help. I don't really know what to do, or how to fix it. I just feel like I'm existing, not really living.

So I'm back to trusty blogger to pour it all out into a little white box, then be brave and hit post.

Wordless Wednesday 01 2013